What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 02:54
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I write beautiful poetry .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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She loved him until the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My family never makes their pension either.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was scared of men, in general
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I don,t even have a pension.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My life is so biszare .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He knew the spot.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And i lived it daily.
I think the readers, may guess!
This is soul school!.
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was 9 years of age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She married twice! .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One cannot live in the past .
But it wasn’t much.
Ive learnt so much.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why did i forgive my father ?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I said to her
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I have no regrets .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When she asked me how she looked .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I waited trembling.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Would this be the day?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Was to survive, this bastard.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We were not on the streets..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Put me off passion for life!!
What did i know ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I never cut or harmed myself..
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im still living with it.
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Comes on , in middle age.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It was going to be , some day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.